The “Secret” Milestones

As a parent, you always anxiously await the next milestone your child reaches and attains. There are the mac daddy of milestones such as rolling over, sitting up, crawling,  first step, first word, 1st year you’ve managed to keep them alive, and potty training.

There are also other milestones that parents don’t often get told about, sort of like the “secret” menus at In&Out Burgers and Starbucks. But when you find them out you are all, “WHOA! This is a life changer!” Not until your child was able to master this “secret” milestone did you realize how much of a time suck it had been before.

Here are my Top 5 Secret Kid Milestones

5. Reaching the top shelf of the refrigerator. If you have toddlers or short kids, moving things to the bottom of the fridge is always an option, but it can also put things like milk and breakable containers in perilous positions. They can reach it, but their little hands don’t quite have the strength to then carry them. Result: big mess on the kitchen floor. When they are finally able to reach and effectively carry said item out of the fridge on their own, you can have them get it on their own and go back to reading InTouch, your exercise routine.

4. Putting straw in their own juice box. You don’t realize how much of a time suck this is. When you are at BBQ’s or Bday parties you are spending most of your time helping kids get the straw in their juice boxes and in the process squirting juice all down the front of your shirt because really this is a trick- NOBODY can put straws in a juice box without making a mess. But at least when they learn how, the mess is on them.

3. Using the remote. At 6am on a Saturday morning the last thing you want is for someone to burst in your room, waving a remote in your face, yelling “I want to watch a show!” When they learn how to use the remote, it opens up all kinds of sleeping in possibilities. Now, you may want to check your parental controls and keep unbreakfast-y type foods such as ice cream and doritos out of reach. But in the grand scheme of things, whoever got harmed from having doritos for breakfast? Go ahead, roll over and dream on while your kids binge watch Shimmer and Shine.

2. Passing the swim test. Going to the pool with young kids is not the kind of going to the pool that is all “relaxing with a fruity drink and a good book”. No, it is more of a “making sure your kids are lathered up in SPF 800 and adjusting goggles for the umpteenth time” kind of an experience. Also, you have to get in the pool with them. To supervise. Not exactly sure what the lifeguards are getting paid for, but whatevs. So, if your kid doesn’t pass the swim test, you need to be in the pool with them. When you have two kids and one adult, well then, you can imagine how one manages to be in the shallow end and deep end of the pool at the same time. Because of course they don’t want to be doing the same thing. But when your kid passes the swim test- BLISS!! One step closer to hanging out on the lounge chair with the next Jodi Picoult page turner.

1. Learning how to swing by themselves. Going to the park is supposed to be a thing so that you can have your kids get out all their pent up energy from the day so you can relax at home and catch up on your Twitter cook your kid’s dinner in peace. But instead of running around, sliding down, climbing up, and coming this close to breaking a major body part, they want to swing. And since they cannot swing by themselves, because apparently coordinating pumping your legs together at the correct time to propel yourself up and not stay at a standstill is something a young brain cannot grasp, you need to push them. Which means putting your phone riveting child development book away, standing up and using all YOUR energy, the energy you were supposed to be saving for making dinner, to push them for what seems like hours. And that Twitter dinner is not getting read cooked by itself dammit! So when they finally get their gross motor act together and can swing themselves, well my gosh what a lifesaver! Now you can sit on the bench for its intended purpose which is to search Facebook for the latest gossip on why Justin Bieber cancelled his world tour closely supervise your children.

So there they are. The milestones you never thought about, but when they occur, you will celebrate your new found freedom. Did I miss any?

Have a great, crazy day!

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2 thoughts on “The “Secret” Milestones

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