The Moment You Know….Or DO You?

I have 2 absolutely beautiful children. Two girls that are the light of my life. My pregnancies with them were easy, both deliveries went off without a hitch.

So far life is grand. They keep us on our toes, definitely. They are feisty and tempermental and pull-our-hair-out exasperating.

But they are so fun, and so funny, and so gosh darn cute and full of love and cuddles…

….that the moment I saw the “pregnant” on the test I was giddy excited.

It is that first moment you know- the first thoughts that race through your head. You’re giddy. Then freaking out. Then you do the happy cry. Accompanied by a happy dance. But then you make sure and take another test.

And the test said “pregnant”. And looking back, I had all the signs. I knew. As a mom, I knew. I knew I was pregnant.

Except then a few days later I wasn’t. And because my cycles are so short the nurses actually suggested that perhaps I’d never been pregnant to begin with and it was actually just my period, late.

Except I’m never late. And I had morning sickness.

And the test said; “pregnant”. And there are NEVER false positives.

“Well, very rarely there are.”

So then I start to think: “OMG I am one of those psycho mom’s that wants to be pregnant so they start to have pseudo pregnancy symptoms!” I’m a nut!

So I go for blood work and have to wait a FULL.DAY. before going to the doctor’s and seeing if I am psycho crazy was-never-pregnant mom.

At the doctor’s I was told, “You are not crazy. You did test positive. But it’s almost like you were only a little pregnant, it was so early.”

WHAT? Didn’t they always tell us back in high school that you can’t be “a little bit pregnant?”

Apparently they were wrong and you can be.

But I was not crazy. That was the part that bothered me so much- the fact that it was even considered that I wasn’t pregnant to begin with. That everything I’d been feeling that I chalked up to being pregnant was NOT being pregnant but…what? Me wishing I was pregnant? That I was only feeling those things because I THOUGHT I was pregnant? It sort of made me angry, really. I am a mom. I have been pregnant. I KNOW what it is like. And it was like what I was feeling.

It was only a week after I peed on the stick so it wasn’t a big physical deal. And mentally I didn’t have enough time for it to even sink in. I hadn’t started thinking of names or getting out all the newborn baby clothes.

But we did look into a new car. So there’s that. It was on our minds.

I am not making light of all this- I know many struggle with infertility and others who have had devastating pregnancy losses, myself included. But I was so barely pregnant that if I hadn’t been paying so close attention to my cycle I probably wouldn’t have even known I was pregnant and chalked it up to being late.

Except I was paying attention. So it’s disappointing. But not devastating. I am fine and I am happy. I have my girls. All I know is that next time, I am taking like 10 tests.

Right now though, there is a 6-pack of Pumpkick Ale and a bottle of Cupcake with my name on it, courtesy of my Pi.

Click on the pic for more great blog reads!

A Mother Life

Have a great crazy day!

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5 thoughts on “The Moment You Know….Or DO You?

  1. I found your blog somehow or another a while back. I have enjoyed reading your voice as you reflect on the fun adventures of life and the more challenging and confusing times as well. Thanks for sharing!

  2. I know the feeling. I had a moment where I was ‘a little bit pregnant’. I had about a week of being pregnant and then I wasn’t. Every little bit counts though – you still had the hopes, the thoughts, the wondering what this little child would be like, the vague plans about the changes to be made . . . and then it’s gone. But, because it was only a ‘little bit’, you feel a fraud for feeling anything, compared to others with bigger bits. You aren’t though – the love, thoughts, hopes were there. Big hugs.

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