Yep, I’m talking woo-woo’s and wee-wee’s here today people. If you are a bit squeamish you may want to head on over to a site that isn’t going to use the word vagina or penis around oh, 30 times or so in the next few paragraph’s.
Why, oh WHY, is she talking penis and vagina today? Because if you have a 3 1/2-year-old, this is around the age where privacy and private parts are part of, oh, hourly conversation. Nothing is quite private yet- what goes on behind closed doors is, apparently, everyone’s business in our household. While 3M will close the door and say “I need my privacy momma, get out of here because it’s going to stink” (I mean, thanks for the heads up but really, TMI), she’s not so aware of OTHER people’s privacy. One morning she barged into the bathroom while I was in the shower and said, “Mommy, I need my privacy!”. Yeah, the concept of “privacy” hasn’t quite sunk in yet. Then she looked at me and said, “mommy, you’ve got a hairy butt”.
TheTODAY Show had a segment the other day about teaching kids the proper terms for their private body parts and were asking parents what their kids call their private parts. I am all for vagina and penis because when you really need to get some info from your kiddo about what hurts or (god forbid!) “they touched you where?”, you want to have something a little more body specific than “cookie” or “hot dog” because you don’t want them to get confused and think you’re talking about what they had for lunch.
We taught 3M all the proper terms. We were very proud. So imagine our surprise when 3M came home one day and, apparently getting a peek of her friend D in the bathroom, says; “Daddy, D has a butt and a hose vagina”. Yeah, that story will make it’s rounds….
We were pretty good with talking to 3M about these things without laughing or squirming.This does not mean I didn’t have my husband practice saying the word “vagina” over and over again until he could say it without laughing. He was great- and since he usually gives 3M a bath, he needed a straight face more frequently then I did. Which is good, because turns out I am the one that needed the practice.
I am usually a PRO at ignoring all kinds of inappropriate behaviors, what with my expertise in all things behavior modification. And when 3M asked me matter of fact questions I was great- answered them without a hint of a smirk, blush or giggle.
One day 3M came up to me, started doing a little dance, and was singing, “I’ve got a PENIS! I’ve got a PENIS!” and I.LOST.MY.SHIT.
I could not stop laughing. I mean, uncontrollable, doubled over, could barely breathe laughing. The kind of laughing that let your kiddo know that “oh my gosh I should keep singing this and sing even louder and maybe emphasize some words to make it better!”
“I’VE GOT A PEEE-NISSS! I’VE GOT A PEEE-NISSSS!’.
I created a monster. She never put this show on for her daddy, but for me…ALL.THE.TIME. Pi thought I’d done lost my mind. It was such an exaggerated response to something that yes, was funny, but c’mon- it gets old. So FINALLY, I was able to control myself. 3M started doing her little “I’ve got a Penis” dance when I looked at her –
Me: “you just say this because it makes mommy laugh.”
3M: With a smirk, “yeaaaah”
Me: “Well, it’s really not funny anymore, so let’s sing something else.”
SO proud of myself! No laughing. I did it. 3M is looking at me with defeat.
Silly mommy, that wasn’t defeat, that was scheming.
3M: She made a pretend grab at my crotch and then pat her crotch (sort of like when you do the whole, “I’ve got your nose” game) and says: “Mommy, I got your penis and put it on my penis!”
Me: uncontrollable laughter.
Have a great crazy day!
(bet you’ve never seen anyone tag a post with hose vagina! Someone searching for a garden hose is going to have a surprise in their search results….)